“Got married”
You posted on facebook.
Did I almost drop my phone? No. But it did hit me like a gut punch.
I knew this was going to happen someday but I thought I will be over you by then. I was not prepared, but how can someone be prepared for something like this, ever?
It sure did hurt, but not how I always imagined it would.. but it did.
And I am at work, surrounded by a bunch of people. But I still feel like crying, but my eyes are dried out. Trust me love I am trying my best to cry, because I think if I cried, this strange feeling will go away.
Strange feeling? – you’d ask. Well it isn’t hurting the way it should have, but also I am not at peace with this at all. I am restless, a part of me wants to break free. I am not sure whether to go back in time so that I can undo all that I did wrong or to just hold you a little longer the last time we hugged, or to have that one last glance at your face last time you were sitting in front of me.
Am I happy for you? You would have asked me if you were here. I don’t want to lie, so I would say that I want you to be happy. Am I a bad person for wanting you to be happy with me? Selfish maybe.
It’s been 4 years, since we parted ways, since I last saw you. All this time, I felt like someone locked me in a room and left the windows open a little bit. And I have been looking out the window hoping to be free again, holding on to the false sense of hope. It was never there. I knew it from the beginning. But sometimes grieving is so much easier than forgetting.
But now you have closed that window, and I am not done mourning. So maybe I am not the only selfish one here.
Every movie and series has told me that everyone says what I am about to tell you, I am a changed man, I am not the same person you knew. But it is true. I have changed. When I was with you I changed to be more worthy of you and when you left, I changed everything about me I thought made you leave. And now whatever is left of me only knows two things, to love you and to hope that you will come back! So what am I supposed to do now?
Move on, you will say. But love truth be told I am tired. You know when I just couldn’t take this pain anymore, I tried. But all I found was a bunch of people who were not you, in a million ways different from you or you could say a million reasons I could not fall in love with them.
Everyone I talk to tells me the same thing every damn time, that I don’t want to move on. Maybe they are right. But you tell me how do I fake falling in love? Nobody makes me feel the way you did. Believe me I tried my best love, but sleeping with someone else never even came close to the feeling I got when I held your hand. No matter what I do, I just can’t find that satisfaction I got every time you laughed and I knew the reason was me.
I read books, watched movies and I have been through countless songs, everything tells me that to live life to its fullest I need to find something that drives me wild with passion, something that makes me happy, makes me forget everything else. But there is no one and nothing to tell me what if I found that something and lost it? Maybe there are no answers to this.
You used to tell me that time will heal everything. It will all be normal again. I will feel things for the first time again. But these 4 years didn’t change anything, not one bit and I doubt next 40 will do any different. But I think time healed you. You felt normal again. You felt things for the first time again, with someone else.
This gives me a sense of relief you know, because all these years we weren’t talking I wanted to know how you are, are you happy? And now I know. I really hope you are. At least I am certain that you are not feeling this suffocation anymore. Unlike me you are free, starting a new chapter of your life.
Since I didn’t know you were getting married I never got a chance to congratulate you, so congratulations. I really wish life gives you everything I wanted to give you and more.
“What I wanted to give you? What about the things I want?” – I know you would say and laugh. But trust me love, since you last saw me, I have gotten to know you a lot better so you don’t have to be worried.
Now, when that last string of hope I was holding on to or that last chain tying me to the past is gone, I hope soon I will be able to want to be free again. I will be able to let you go.
This is a new beginning for you, I don’t know if this is the end of this story for me or not, but like the ending of every bollywood movie we made fun of, I hope you live happily ever after.
“What about you?” – You’d ask.
Don’t worry love, I have gotten very good at pretending.
3amthoughts 